How to say goodbye?

As many of you know and probably been waiting to know more about, my mom is dying. And a little piece of me is dying too. I thought coming and writing might help shed some of these unbearable feelings and help me reach some peace.

On January 6th my mom was admitted to the UCLA-Santa Monica hospital for tests, because her blood tests showed elevations. The result was aggressive cancer in her liver. I was just there days before, which today I am so grateful for.

Me and the kids were visiting for the holidays. My mom did have a lot pain (which was not too odd because she always had back pain), but she also visited her doctor, who told her she looked yellow. When she came home and asked me, I then noticed she was yellow. She was taking vicodin for her back pain and when we read some of the side effects, that was one of them, so being the strong woman she is, she just quite cold turkey and cut out the vicodin (something I am not sure was right, but felt strongly about at the time).

The problem was that she went through withdrawal. I stayed and nursed her the best I could, and went home, as Kaylee was starting school and my mom was seeing her doctor the next day.
That doctor visit he pulled blood, which led to her hospitalization the next day.

I waited for the results before coming back up. Kyle and I were actually scheduled to go on a cruise this whole week, so that added stress to everything as well. When I received the phone call from my dad with the bad news, I couldn't think. Kyle came home from work and packed up the kids and I and took me to the hospital that night.

I stayed with my mom in the hospital every night. And every night she got a little worse. It all happened so quickly, and I still thought I would find a way to save her, that I really didn't get a chance to talk to her about- I don't even know - just how I am supposed to survive without her I guess.

They thought she would pass yesterday morning, and I was insisting on getting her home, I wish I insisted on it sooner, because they were just killing her faster there. They almost didn't let us take her home, fearing she would die in transport. My third brother was coming in from a trip (he left with her healthy), and I told my mom to hang on to see him. I knew she would, her kids were her life, she was the BEST mother.

She was so happy to come home (she can't talk or move, but she was able to open her eyes and give the most response for the day.

The hospice nurses have been so kind, like I said, I just wished I pushed sooner. She was talking just two days ago.

I am scared, I have my whole family around me, yet I feel so lonely. She never stopped fighting, she is still fighting, and the nurses are trying to urge me to tell her let go, but I can't yet. I still think she is just going to have a moment of clarity and tell me how to move on form this.

I just feel broken. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I just feel so helpless. Sometimes I feel upset, turns out that I found out that 2 1/2 years ago they found the cancer in her bones (which I knew) but at that time they gave her 2-4 years. I did not know that, she said it was not a big deal. Maybe I could have found something or someone that could have saved her. My dad and her just didn't want her to live like she was dying, and they didn't want people treating her that way either. I understand that, but I am just...I don't know...shocked, confused, and afraid. I wish I had more time to talk with her, and help her figure everything out. I am so sad that she felt like she had to do it alone.

I will keep you posted, thanks to everyone who has helped, and written, etc. I am able to have some moments where I can feel at peace, and that comes knowing that I have some great friends, and a close family. I am not extremely close to any aunts and my mom didn't have tons of close friends, I am sad for me and my kids that we will no longer have that motherly figure, and the doting grandma...extremely sad.