Thursday, January 21, 2010

The rain is so depressing and yet a good excuse at the same time. I don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. A big part of me doesn't even want to go to my moms viewing tonight.
My kids are keeping busy around the house. I have found comfort in going through my moms stuff (which is a LOT). I especially love seeing old pictures of when she was young and healthy and so bright. Kaylee has made out good so far as I have found presents she must have forgot she bought and a ton of art supplies she collected throughout the years.
Just as I thought each day was getting easier, the last two days have be harder for me. I think the feeling that everyone will move on and forget her in a week is sinking in. I on the other hand will be missing her more and more, as I can no longer have a conversation with her or see her.
I have been doing better with sleeping. When she passed I was able to finally sleep through the night, no longer worried that I would miss her last breath. I really didn't want her to be alone when she passed. When I slept I dreamt of her-happy, and healthy, and just like her old self. Now I look forward to closing my eyes at night.
Last night Kaylee was falling asleep and I was laying next to her. She kept closing her eyes and then would turn and look back at me. I was looking up at the ceiling thinking about things. She finally said, "mom, aren't you tired?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Then why are you not closing your eyes."
"I am just thinking," I said.
"What are you thinking?"
"I don't know," I replied.
"Maybe you are thinking of the good things, so that you are not afraid to go to sleep."
She then turned, snuggled up into her blanket, and closed her eyes.
I couldn't respond, I just thought to myself "exactly."

9 comments:

April said...

Again, my heart and love go out to you and your amazing family Colleen. I am glad you can sleep now. With each tear, I pray for healing. Hugs

Barley Family said...

Just want you to know you are still constantly on my mind and in my prayers. Love and hugs to you.

TUTU Monkey said...

You have been on my mind so much.......I pray this eveing goes okay and will be praying for you tomorrow. Much love and a HUGE HUG!!

Alliegatorfables said...

Thoughts and prayers with you. XO

Janis said...

Have been thinking of you this entire week, and my thoughts will be with you especially tonight and tomorrow.

Havefaith said...

Prayers to you and your family.
Your Mother is at Peace.
With each day that passes, I hope you will feel her, and her peace.
She will definitely come to you when you least expect it.
Watch for a beautiful dove.
Love Faith

Jane said...

Colleen,

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for your family...Hugs

Kelly said...

Colleen--
You have been in my thoughts and prayers so much this past week. I am sending my love and hugs to you from far away. I wish I could do so in person. I love what Kaylee said---its funny how we get strength (and wisdom) from such little ones sometimes.

* TONYA * said...

Big ((((HUGS))))