I could say it is all better. The truth is, the more "normal" I try to be, the more I realize how much I miss my mother. Small things...like how she would call me and tell me what my friends put on their blogs, or how what I posted on mine was so wonderful, when it was sub-par at best.
I thought, what I would miss most of all was the big moments with her. Holidays and things, but really, I miss the everyday.
I have such wonderful friends and family who are trying so hard to be fillers, but after I talk to them, I have this overwhelming urge to call my mom and tell her what a good conversation I just had.
My husband asked for me to go to the doctor. I did, and she offered me anti-depressants. I said "no." Was that the right choice? I am present, I am living, I take care of my kids when I need to...but yes I am sad, even depressed, but don't I have a right to be?
I feel like my life is on hold right now. Reality is knocking at my door and I just want to scream and say, "give me a minute!"
Have you ever floated on your back in the water? Your ears slip under the water, and all of a sudden there is peace. You can still see the world around you. You can even hear it, but muted.
Then for whatever reason, you lift your head, find your ground, and it is as if you slipped away for a moment, and don't know how that was possible with all the chaos around you. I feel this way a lot lately.
I have had the urge to start creating and designing again. Which I think will be a good thing. I ran into a someone who purchased my swim suits last season and she said she wants to buy two more this year. I just smiled and said I would let her know. But I haven't really had the attention span to sit down and do anything. Soon I think....
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The rain is so depressing and yet a good excuse at the same time. I don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. A big part of me doesn't even want to go to my moms viewing tonight.
My kids are keeping busy around the house. I have found comfort in going through my moms stuff (which is a LOT). I especially love seeing old pictures of when she was young and healthy and so bright. Kaylee has made out good so far as I have found presents she must have forgot she bought and a ton of art supplies she collected throughout the years.
Just as I thought each day was getting easier, the last two days have be harder for me. I think the feeling that everyone will move on and forget her in a week is sinking in. I on the other hand will be missing her more and more, as I can no longer have a conversation with her or see her.
I have been doing better with sleeping. When she passed I was able to finally sleep through the night, no longer worried that I would miss her last breath. I really didn't want her to be alone when she passed. When I slept I dreamt of her-happy, and healthy, and just like her old self. Now I look forward to closing my eyes at night.
Last night Kaylee was falling asleep and I was laying next to her. She kept closing her eyes and then would turn and look back at me. I was looking up at the ceiling thinking about things. She finally said, "mom, aren't you tired?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Then why are you not closing your eyes."
"I am just thinking," I said.
"What are you thinking?"
"I don't know," I replied.
"Maybe you are thinking of the good things, so that you are not afraid to go to sleep."
She then turned, snuggled up into her blanket, and closed her eyes.
I couldn't respond, I just thought to myself "exactly."
My kids are keeping busy around the house. I have found comfort in going through my moms stuff (which is a LOT). I especially love seeing old pictures of when she was young and healthy and so bright. Kaylee has made out good so far as I have found presents she must have forgot she bought and a ton of art supplies she collected throughout the years.
Just as I thought each day was getting easier, the last two days have be harder for me. I think the feeling that everyone will move on and forget her in a week is sinking in. I on the other hand will be missing her more and more, as I can no longer have a conversation with her or see her.
I have been doing better with sleeping. When she passed I was able to finally sleep through the night, no longer worried that I would miss her last breath. I really didn't want her to be alone when she passed. When I slept I dreamt of her-happy, and healthy, and just like her old self. Now I look forward to closing my eyes at night.
Last night Kaylee was falling asleep and I was laying next to her. She kept closing her eyes and then would turn and look back at me. I was looking up at the ceiling thinking about things. She finally said, "mom, aren't you tired?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Then why are you not closing your eyes."
"I am just thinking," I said.
"What are you thinking?"
"I don't know," I replied.
"Maybe you are thinking of the good things, so that you are not afraid to go to sleep."
She then turned, snuggled up into her blanket, and closed her eyes.
I couldn't respond, I just thought to myself "exactly."
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Susan A. Flahavan
A wonderful mother, grandmother, friend, boss, and wife. I am trying my best to see all the joy you brought to our lives, and suppress the pain that comes with missing you so much. Your time was too short. I love you.
Susan A. Flahavan
Born March 17, 1949
Passed January 16, 2010
Everyone who knew her was blessed.
Her funeral will be Friday, January 22, 11:00 a.m. at St. Mel's Church
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
How to say goodbye?
As many of you know and probably been waiting to know more about, my mom is dying. And a little piece of me is dying too. I thought coming and writing might help shed some of these unbearable feelings and help me reach some peace.
On January 6th my mom was admitted to the UCLA-Santa Monica hospital for tests, because her blood tests showed elevations. The result was aggressive cancer in her liver. I was just there days before, which today I am so grateful for.
Me and the kids were visiting for the holidays. My mom did have a lot pain (which was not too odd because she always had back pain), but she also visited her doctor, who told her she looked yellow. When she came home and asked me, I then noticed she was yellow. She was taking vicodin for her back pain and when we read some of the side effects, that was one of them, so being the strong woman she is, she just quite cold turkey and cut out the vicodin (something I am not sure was right, but felt strongly about at the time).
The problem was that she went through withdrawal. I stayed and nursed her the best I could, and went home, as Kaylee was starting school and my mom was seeing her doctor the next day.
That doctor visit he pulled blood, which led to her hospitalization the next day.
I waited for the results before coming back up. Kyle and I were actually scheduled to go on a cruise this whole week, so that added stress to everything as well. When I received the phone call from my dad with the bad news, I couldn't think. Kyle came home from work and packed up the kids and I and took me to the hospital that night.
I stayed with my mom in the hospital every night. And every night she got a little worse. It all happened so quickly, and I still thought I would find a way to save her, that I really didn't get a chance to talk to her about- I don't even know - just how I am supposed to survive without her I guess.
They thought she would pass yesterday morning, and I was insisting on getting her home, I wish I insisted on it sooner, because they were just killing her faster there. They almost didn't let us take her home, fearing she would die in transport. My third brother was coming in from a trip (he left with her healthy), and I told my mom to hang on to see him. I knew she would, her kids were her life, she was the BEST mother.
She was so happy to come home (she can't talk or move, but she was able to open her eyes and give the most response for the day.
The hospice nurses have been so kind, like I said, I just wished I pushed sooner. She was talking just two days ago.
I am scared, I have my whole family around me, yet I feel so lonely. She never stopped fighting, she is still fighting, and the nurses are trying to urge me to tell her let go, but I can't yet. I still think she is just going to have a moment of clarity and tell me how to move on form this.
I just feel broken. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I just feel so helpless. Sometimes I feel upset, turns out that I found out that 2 1/2 years ago they found the cancer in her bones (which I knew) but at that time they gave her 2-4 years. I did not know that, she said it was not a big deal. Maybe I could have found something or someone that could have saved her. My dad and her just didn't want her to live like she was dying, and they didn't want people treating her that way either. I understand that, but I am just...I don't know...shocked, confused, and afraid. I wish I had more time to talk with her, and help her figure everything out. I am so sad that she felt like she had to do it alone.
I will keep you posted, thanks to everyone who has helped, and written, etc. I am able to have some moments where I can feel at peace, and that comes knowing that I have some great friends, and a close family. I am not extremely close to any aunts and my mom didn't have tons of close friends, I am sad for me and my kids that we will no longer have that motherly figure, and the doting grandma...extremely sad.
On January 6th my mom was admitted to the UCLA-Santa Monica hospital for tests, because her blood tests showed elevations. The result was aggressive cancer in her liver. I was just there days before, which today I am so grateful for.
Me and the kids were visiting for the holidays. My mom did have a lot pain (which was not too odd because she always had back pain), but she also visited her doctor, who told her she looked yellow. When she came home and asked me, I then noticed she was yellow. She was taking vicodin for her back pain and when we read some of the side effects, that was one of them, so being the strong woman she is, she just quite cold turkey and cut out the vicodin (something I am not sure was right, but felt strongly about at the time).
The problem was that she went through withdrawal. I stayed and nursed her the best I could, and went home, as Kaylee was starting school and my mom was seeing her doctor the next day.
That doctor visit he pulled blood, which led to her hospitalization the next day.
I waited for the results before coming back up. Kyle and I were actually scheduled to go on a cruise this whole week, so that added stress to everything as well. When I received the phone call from my dad with the bad news, I couldn't think. Kyle came home from work and packed up the kids and I and took me to the hospital that night.
I stayed with my mom in the hospital every night. And every night she got a little worse. It all happened so quickly, and I still thought I would find a way to save her, that I really didn't get a chance to talk to her about- I don't even know - just how I am supposed to survive without her I guess.
They thought she would pass yesterday morning, and I was insisting on getting her home, I wish I insisted on it sooner, because they were just killing her faster there. They almost didn't let us take her home, fearing she would die in transport. My third brother was coming in from a trip (he left with her healthy), and I told my mom to hang on to see him. I knew she would, her kids were her life, she was the BEST mother.
She was so happy to come home (she can't talk or move, but she was able to open her eyes and give the most response for the day.
The hospice nurses have been so kind, like I said, I just wished I pushed sooner. She was talking just two days ago.
I am scared, I have my whole family around me, yet I feel so lonely. She never stopped fighting, she is still fighting, and the nurses are trying to urge me to tell her let go, but I can't yet. I still think she is just going to have a moment of clarity and tell me how to move on form this.
I just feel broken. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I just feel so helpless. Sometimes I feel upset, turns out that I found out that 2 1/2 years ago they found the cancer in her bones (which I knew) but at that time they gave her 2-4 years. I did not know that, she said it was not a big deal. Maybe I could have found something or someone that could have saved her. My dad and her just didn't want her to live like she was dying, and they didn't want people treating her that way either. I understand that, but I am just...I don't know...shocked, confused, and afraid. I wish I had more time to talk with her, and help her figure everything out. I am so sad that she felt like she had to do it alone.
I will keep you posted, thanks to everyone who has helped, and written, etc. I am able to have some moments where I can feel at peace, and that comes knowing that I have some great friends, and a close family. I am not extremely close to any aunts and my mom didn't have tons of close friends, I am sad for me and my kids that we will no longer have that motherly figure, and the doting grandma...extremely sad.
Monday, January 4, 2010
I know many of you have already seen these, but I wanted to give a shout out to the talented photographer and great friend who squeezed us in, in the last minute (literally the weekend before Christmas), to get these done! I have gotten SO MANY compliments on these photos, and wanted her to know. If you are looking for a great photographer, give Amber at Life Art Photography a call, you'll be happy you did! There was so many great photos, it was hard to choose from (and Charlie is not easy to photograph).
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Where will you be Five Years?
I thought this was appropriate with the new year starting. Some dreams seem impossible if you only give them a short amount of time to happen. When you broaden the time span to 5 years...it invites a whole new realm of possibilities. I was inspired...and have some things I have already started working on...I will fill you in later :)
The Five Book by Dan Zadra
Posted using ShareThis
The Five Book by Dan Zadra
Posted using ShareThis
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Kaylee Lou Who!
Went to see the Grinch Stole Christmas the other night. Kaylee fit right in with the Who's!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
