Self

"Sometimes changes are forced on us, sometimes they happen by accident, and we make the most of them. We have to constantly come up with ways of fixing ourselves. So we change. We adapt, we create new versions of ourselves. We just need to be sure this one is an improvement over the last."
- Grey's Anatomy episode, February 11, 2010

I realized last night as I was watching t.v. and missing my mom so much that my heart ached and my eyes filled with tears, that this is what I am attempting to do right now. Adapt, change, create a new version of myself without my mom. It is hard, and really scary, and to be honest, I have no idea what I am doing, or if I am taking steps in the right direction.
I have made the decision to stop my business for a little bit. I owned a small business making children's clothes and gifts (My Little Buttercup). More than a few business opportunities have fallen at my feet recently and I was excited and wanted to pursue them, but wanting and doing are two different things. I just can't yet...and I don't know if I can ever again. The joy it brought me is gone, and I think I need to be a little selfish right now, and just focus on myself and my family.
It just seems crazy to me to waste anytime on things that do not bring me and my family joy. As I go through these struggles, I miss my mom so much. She just would know what to say, and help me make the right decision.
I don't like to leave my posts on a bad note, so I will say this: I am sad, scared, and confused, but more than anything I do have hope. Hope that I will adapt to this new self. That my heart will heal, and I will not only have a new sense of self but that it will be an improvement over the last one. This pain only comes because I was loved and have loved so strongly.