I wish...

I could say it is all better. The truth is, the more "normal" I try to be, the more I realize how much I miss my mother. Small things...like how she would call me and tell me what my friends put on their blogs, or how what I posted on mine was so wonderful, when it was sub-par at best.
I thought, what I would miss most of all was the big moments with her. Holidays and things, but really, I miss the everyday.

I have such wonderful friends and family who are trying so hard to be fillers, but after I talk to them, I have this overwhelming urge to call my mom and tell her what a good conversation I just had.

My husband asked for me to go to the doctor. I did, and she offered me anti-depressants. I said "no." Was that the right choice? I am present, I am living, I take care of my kids when I need to...but yes I am sad, even depressed, but don't I have a right to be?

I feel like my life is on hold right now. Reality is knocking at my door and I just want to scream and say, "give me a minute!"

Have you ever floated on your back in the water? Your ears slip under the water, and all of a sudden there is peace. You can still see the world around you. You can even hear it, but muted.
Then for whatever reason, you lift your head, find your ground, and it is as if you slipped away for a moment, and don't know how that was possible with all the chaos around you. I feel this way a lot lately.

I have had the urge to start creating and designing again. Which I think will be a good thing. I ran into a someone who purchased my swim suits last season and she said she wants to buy two more this year. I just smiled and said I would let her know. But I haven't really had the attention span to sit down and do anything. Soon I think....