Sometimes you need to step away from the everyday to notice how blessed you truly are. I am currently writing in a peaceful nook of a beautiful home in Northstar, Lake Tahoe. There is a slight breeze coming through the windows, and enormous pine trees, as far as the eye can see, that remind you just how small you really are.
We just finished a day at the pool, which was a kids wonderland, with a splash zone and kiddy pool. We ordered lunch, did arts and crafts, and then were dropped off back at the house by a personal shuttle service that takes you all throughout the resort. It was, all and all, pretty awesome and it is only 2 in the afternoon on Tuesday, and we get to stay till the end of the weekend. Today, I am definitely counting my blessings!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Cough, cough...whewww
I blew the dust off my sewing machine, and have been creating a ton of things!
We took a trip up to a lake yesterday, and I was actually surprised how enjoyable it was. And, I got some wonderful pictures too, it was hard to take bad ones.
I haven't blogged in such a long time, it took me a few times to remember my password...it reminds me of my mom so much I have tears in my eyes right now, thinking how she will never see these pictures or hear my news...but I am attempting (rather successfully to surge forward).
I just received my acceptance letter to The New School of Architecture. I will begin in the Fall, and am currently getting my portfolio ready, with the help of some friends (thank you)...can't wait to share!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
My nephew is here!
Brennan Peter Flahavan is born! He came March 1st and I was lucky enough to get to go up and spend some time with my brother and sister-in-law and their new addition, baby Brennan! 
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Today is a good day!
I have a really good friend who has been my rock through all that I am going through. I made sure I helped with the hosting of her shower a few weeks ago, to show her what all her support and friendship has meant to me!
At 1:50 this morning, little Mateo was born! I can't wait to have our kids share many more brunch's, bonfires, and fun! Congratulations my friend!
At 1:50 this morning, little Mateo was born! I can't wait to have our kids share many more brunch's, bonfires, and fun! Congratulations my friend!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Self
"Sometimes changes are forced on us, sometimes they happen by accident, and we make the most of them. We have to constantly come up with ways of fixing ourselves. So we change. We adapt, we create new versions of ourselves. We just need to be sure this one is an improvement over the last."
- Grey's Anatomy episode, February 11, 2010
I realized last night as I was watching t.v. and missing my mom so much that my heart ached and my eyes filled with tears, that this is what I am attempting to do right now. Adapt, change, create a new version of myself without my mom. It is hard, and really scary, and to be honest, I have no idea what I am doing, or if I am taking steps in the right direction.
I have made the decision to stop my business for a little bit. I owned a small business making children's clothes and gifts (My Little Buttercup). More than a few business opportunities have fallen at my feet recently and I was excited and wanted to pursue them, but wanting and doing are two different things. I just can't yet...and I don't know if I can ever again. The joy it brought me is gone, and I think I need to be a little selfish right now, and just focus on myself and my family.
It just seems crazy to me to waste anytime on things that do not bring me and my family joy. As I go through these struggles, I miss my mom so much. She just would know what to say, and help me make the right decision.
I don't like to leave my posts on a bad note, so I will say this: I am sad, scared, and confused, but more than anything I do have hope. Hope that I will adapt to this new self. That my heart will heal, and I will not only have a new sense of self but that it will be an improvement over the last one. This pain only comes because I was loved and have loved so strongly.
- Grey's Anatomy episode, February 11, 2010
I realized last night as I was watching t.v. and missing my mom so much that my heart ached and my eyes filled with tears, that this is what I am attempting to do right now. Adapt, change, create a new version of myself without my mom. It is hard, and really scary, and to be honest, I have no idea what I am doing, or if I am taking steps in the right direction.
I have made the decision to stop my business for a little bit. I owned a small business making children's clothes and gifts (My Little Buttercup). More than a few business opportunities have fallen at my feet recently and I was excited and wanted to pursue them, but wanting and doing are two different things. I just can't yet...and I don't know if I can ever again. The joy it brought me is gone, and I think I need to be a little selfish right now, and just focus on myself and my family.
It just seems crazy to me to waste anytime on things that do not bring me and my family joy. As I go through these struggles, I miss my mom so much. She just would know what to say, and help me make the right decision.
I don't like to leave my posts on a bad note, so I will say this: I am sad, scared, and confused, but more than anything I do have hope. Hope that I will adapt to this new self. That my heart will heal, and I will not only have a new sense of self but that it will be an improvement over the last one. This pain only comes because I was loved and have loved so strongly.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
I wish...
I could say it is all better. The truth is, the more "normal" I try to be, the more I realize how much I miss my mother. Small things...like how she would call me and tell me what my friends put on their blogs, or how what I posted on mine was so wonderful, when it was sub-par at best.
I thought, what I would miss most of all was the big moments with her. Holidays and things, but really, I miss the everyday.
I have such wonderful friends and family who are trying so hard to be fillers, but after I talk to them, I have this overwhelming urge to call my mom and tell her what a good conversation I just had.
My husband asked for me to go to the doctor. I did, and she offered me anti-depressants. I said "no." Was that the right choice? I am present, I am living, I take care of my kids when I need to...but yes I am sad, even depressed, but don't I have a right to be?
I feel like my life is on hold right now. Reality is knocking at my door and I just want to scream and say, "give me a minute!"
Have you ever floated on your back in the water? Your ears slip under the water, and all of a sudden there is peace. You can still see the world around you. You can even hear it, but muted.
Then for whatever reason, you lift your head, find your ground, and it is as if you slipped away for a moment, and don't know how that was possible with all the chaos around you. I feel this way a lot lately.
I have had the urge to start creating and designing again. Which I think will be a good thing. I ran into a someone who purchased my swim suits last season and she said she wants to buy two more this year. I just smiled and said I would let her know. But I haven't really had the attention span to sit down and do anything. Soon I think....
I thought, what I would miss most of all was the big moments with her. Holidays and things, but really, I miss the everyday.
I have such wonderful friends and family who are trying so hard to be fillers, but after I talk to them, I have this overwhelming urge to call my mom and tell her what a good conversation I just had.
My husband asked for me to go to the doctor. I did, and she offered me anti-depressants. I said "no." Was that the right choice? I am present, I am living, I take care of my kids when I need to...but yes I am sad, even depressed, but don't I have a right to be?
I feel like my life is on hold right now. Reality is knocking at my door and I just want to scream and say, "give me a minute!"
Have you ever floated on your back in the water? Your ears slip under the water, and all of a sudden there is peace. You can still see the world around you. You can even hear it, but muted.
Then for whatever reason, you lift your head, find your ground, and it is as if you slipped away for a moment, and don't know how that was possible with all the chaos around you. I feel this way a lot lately.
I have had the urge to start creating and designing again. Which I think will be a good thing. I ran into a someone who purchased my swim suits last season and she said she wants to buy two more this year. I just smiled and said I would let her know. But I haven't really had the attention span to sit down and do anything. Soon I think....
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The rain is so depressing and yet a good excuse at the same time. I don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. A big part of me doesn't even want to go to my moms viewing tonight.
My kids are keeping busy around the house. I have found comfort in going through my moms stuff (which is a LOT). I especially love seeing old pictures of when she was young and healthy and so bright. Kaylee has made out good so far as I have found presents she must have forgot she bought and a ton of art supplies she collected throughout the years.
Just as I thought each day was getting easier, the last two days have be harder for me. I think the feeling that everyone will move on and forget her in a week is sinking in. I on the other hand will be missing her more and more, as I can no longer have a conversation with her or see her.
I have been doing better with sleeping. When she passed I was able to finally sleep through the night, no longer worried that I would miss her last breath. I really didn't want her to be alone when she passed. When I slept I dreamt of her-happy, and healthy, and just like her old self. Now I look forward to closing my eyes at night.
Last night Kaylee was falling asleep and I was laying next to her. She kept closing her eyes and then would turn and look back at me. I was looking up at the ceiling thinking about things. She finally said, "mom, aren't you tired?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Then why are you not closing your eyes."
"I am just thinking," I said.
"What are you thinking?"
"I don't know," I replied.
"Maybe you are thinking of the good things, so that you are not afraid to go to sleep."
She then turned, snuggled up into her blanket, and closed her eyes.
I couldn't respond, I just thought to myself "exactly."
My kids are keeping busy around the house. I have found comfort in going through my moms stuff (which is a LOT). I especially love seeing old pictures of when she was young and healthy and so bright. Kaylee has made out good so far as I have found presents she must have forgot she bought and a ton of art supplies she collected throughout the years.
Just as I thought each day was getting easier, the last two days have be harder for me. I think the feeling that everyone will move on and forget her in a week is sinking in. I on the other hand will be missing her more and more, as I can no longer have a conversation with her or see her.
I have been doing better with sleeping. When she passed I was able to finally sleep through the night, no longer worried that I would miss her last breath. I really didn't want her to be alone when she passed. When I slept I dreamt of her-happy, and healthy, and just like her old self. Now I look forward to closing my eyes at night.
Last night Kaylee was falling asleep and I was laying next to her. She kept closing her eyes and then would turn and look back at me. I was looking up at the ceiling thinking about things. She finally said, "mom, aren't you tired?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Then why are you not closing your eyes."
"I am just thinking," I said.
"What are you thinking?"
"I don't know," I replied.
"Maybe you are thinking of the good things, so that you are not afraid to go to sleep."
She then turned, snuggled up into her blanket, and closed her eyes.
I couldn't respond, I just thought to myself "exactly."
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