"Mom, I want to be....

HELLO KITTY"
I am not going to lie, this costume was not easy to figure out, but I didn't want to tell her it wasn't possible.

So, I did my best, and she loved it, which was the point. Kyle says she is going to kill me in 10 years for making this one, but I think it is funny. It is much more creative than her usual princess request! We will see what she comes up with next year!
Charlie of course wanted to be old faithful...buzz lightyear! His head was so big, the helmet part didn't really fit, so by that night, he was over it. Once he understood that people were handing out free candy, he was a trick-or-treating maniac. He mostly just echoed his sister, but the funniest part was at the end of the exchange of candy, Kaylee would say "thank you," the owner would say, "your welcome." Charlie, who was doing his best to keep up, copied the last words said, so as he walked off candy in hand he would yell back "your welcome," followed by a "let's do another house." I am pretty sure he takes the cake for the ruddiest trick-or-treater ever and yet was loved by everyone!

B is for...

Baby Brennan's Baptism.

My little nephew was batized this past weekend. I was the godmother and I helped my Sister-in-law prepare for the party. I created the logos, and the whole yard was decorated in grey, yellow, and white...I will post more pictures later (I left my computer up there, ay, ay, ay).

B is also for Baseball and burnt out!

I was so tired from our trip (Kaylee and I drove up to Santa Rosa and back, while Kyle and Charlie went camping with friends). Every night I stayed up late drinking wine and chatting and then woke up early. Getting home, it was back to school for the kids and organizing for me. Last night my awesome husband took the kids to the Padre's game, and I got the night off (phew).

B is for Brave!

Brave, that's right! I have decided that changing my direction and going after my dreams at my age is brave! I often would battle with being content with staying home with my kids my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing, I throughly enjoyed and feel blessed that I got to stay home with my kids while they were infants, but I also worried about what I was going to do as they got older.
I moved towards teaching before Kaylee was born thinking the schedule would be perfect, but I didn't really love it, or have a passion for it, so, going back to it, was hard to talk myself into.
Then, so my mind wasn't always occupied with poopy diapers and developmental milstones, I got into the business of crafting. I really enjoyed it at first, but realized shortly afterwards that the time that would go into hand-crafted items was never going to be worth what you made in the end. With that said, I was looking to outsource my designs and learning all I could about the industry. After the maufactoring licenses (most people don't even know they need), and the sales, and tons of clothing I was going to produce, I stepped away...The truth is it was never my intention to produce a million outfits, so I could make a couple of bucks off of each one. It just seemed so wasteful, and took everything out of the crafting/design industry that I did like, which was producing and owning one of-a-kind things.
I start classes on Monday, and I can't express how excited I am (a tad nervous too), but mostly excited.

San Diego Loving

I definitely think my kids are spoiled with where they live. Kyle has been taking them surfing lately, and yesterday we picked Kaylee up from school and hit the beach!

Charlie has decided seaweed is monsters so, he didn't get into the water yesterday, but Kaylee loved it! Afterwards, Kaylee asked if I had ever surfed. I laughed and said, "no." She was just shocked someone would be my age and never had surfed! Like I said, SPOILED! Haha...I wouldn't have it any other way!

PS:Still going strong on my operation of getting stuff done! The couch is almost complete and we started painting the studio! Pictures will be coming...

Soccer Girl

Kaylee started another season of soccer. She is loving it so far. She gets anxiety before the games, but once she gets out there, she is having a great time! It is so fun to watch. Way to go Kaylee!

Day 3...Cushions

That is right, I am finally getting my couch cushions done! This challenge is working! I wish I could get the whole couch done in one day! It is going to take a few...

My new rug arrived this morning too. It has been so awesome to wake up and seriously get stuff done! Now, off to the dentist..ugh! My goal is to get the back cushions done today...wish me luck! I think I will need it.

PS: The adorable pumpkin was a gift from Pam Small. They were very reasonably priced, and has been one of my favorite gifts. It has a little Cinnamon stick as the stem..too cute! If she makes some more this year I will have to post how to get them... can you believe it is already fall!

Reuse, Recycle...and Clear Some Space!

So, I have a month! The kids are in school, but I don't start till October. I have been saying all summer, "I will get it done in September!" Well, September is here and I have run out of excuses. My studio is done (by done I mean built). I can't wait to share the pictures,but it still needs to be painted...and since I have issues on picking things out for myself (in this case, a color)...it isn't done yet! So, I decided that I am going to challenge myself to get at least one thing done each day in September and I will post it here so you can all yell at me when I don't post (by yell I mean, write in capital letters...YELLING..see, scary!).

So, to get started:

Day 1: A stylish chair

The Before: desk chair $3.50 at a local thrift shop!

After: padded, and stylish!
Day 2:
Before: Kaylee's dirty, old car-seat!



After: Charlie's new stylish ride! Kyle is now trying to steal it for his car...no happening!


More to come...stay tuned!

Back to School

Kaylee started preschool today. She was really excited to be going full day and seeing her friends. It is such an odd feeling I have. I am really excited for her, but of course a part of me misses her. I guess it is that my little girl is growing up! It was actually really nice seeing her old teachers, they were wonderful support for Kaylee (and me), when my mom passed. They gave me a huge hug when we came in and said they were excited about me starting school and to have Kaylee back (I mean how nice is that)!

Kaylee said she wanted to nap today, she hasn't taken a day nap in about 2 years, so it isn't going to happen, but I sent her with all her stuff anyways. They have these cute little cots they lay out for the nappers, and I know she really just wants to try one of those out! I wonder how long she will sit there before she realizes it wasn't as awesome as she had hoped!

Here is to being another year older, and new beginnings! Cheers...

A Different View

Sometimes you need to step away from the everyday to notice how blessed you truly are. I am currently writing in a peaceful nook of a beautiful home in Northstar, Lake Tahoe. There is a slight breeze coming through the windows, and enormous pine trees, as far as the eye can see, that remind you just how small you really are.

We just finished a day at the pool, which was a kids wonderland, with a splash zone and kiddy pool. We ordered lunch, did arts and crafts, and then were dropped off back at the house by a personal shuttle service that takes you all throughout the resort. It was, all and all, pretty awesome and it is only 2 in the afternoon on Tuesday, and we get to stay till the end of the weekend. Today, I am definitely counting my blessings!

Cough, cough...whewww

I blew the dust off my sewing machine, and have been creating a ton of things!

We took a trip up to a lake yesterday, and I was actually surprised how enjoyable it was. And, I got some wonderful pictures too, it was hard to take bad ones.

I haven't blogged in such a long time, it took me a few times to remember my password...it reminds me of my mom so much I have tears in my eyes right now, thinking how she will never see these pictures or hear my news...but I am attempting (rather successfully to surge forward).

I just received my acceptance letter to The New School of Architecture. I will begin in the Fall, and am currently getting my portfolio ready, with the help of some friends (thank you)...can't wait to share!

My nephew is here!

Brennan Peter Flahavan is born! He came March 1st and I was lucky enough to get to go up and spend some time with my brother and sister-in-law and their new addition, baby Brennan!

Today is a good day!

I have a really good friend who has been my rock through all that I am going through. I made sure I helped with the hosting of her shower a few weeks ago, to show her what all her support and friendship has meant to me!

At 1:50 this morning, little Mateo was born! I can't wait to have our kids share many more brunch's, bonfires, and fun! Congratulations my friend!

Self

"Sometimes changes are forced on us, sometimes they happen by accident, and we make the most of them. We have to constantly come up with ways of fixing ourselves. So we change. We adapt, we create new versions of ourselves. We just need to be sure this one is an improvement over the last."
- Grey's Anatomy episode, February 11, 2010

I realized last night as I was watching t.v. and missing my mom so much that my heart ached and my eyes filled with tears, that this is what I am attempting to do right now. Adapt, change, create a new version of myself without my mom. It is hard, and really scary, and to be honest, I have no idea what I am doing, or if I am taking steps in the right direction.
I have made the decision to stop my business for a little bit. I owned a small business making children's clothes and gifts (My Little Buttercup). More than a few business opportunities have fallen at my feet recently and I was excited and wanted to pursue them, but wanting and doing are two different things. I just can't yet...and I don't know if I can ever again. The joy it brought me is gone, and I think I need to be a little selfish right now, and just focus on myself and my family.
It just seems crazy to me to waste anytime on things that do not bring me and my family joy. As I go through these struggles, I miss my mom so much. She just would know what to say, and help me make the right decision.
I don't like to leave my posts on a bad note, so I will say this: I am sad, scared, and confused, but more than anything I do have hope. Hope that I will adapt to this new self. That my heart will heal, and I will not only have a new sense of self but that it will be an improvement over the last one. This pain only comes because I was loved and have loved so strongly.

I wish...

I could say it is all better. The truth is, the more "normal" I try to be, the more I realize how much I miss my mother. Small things...like how she would call me and tell me what my friends put on their blogs, or how what I posted on mine was so wonderful, when it was sub-par at best.
I thought, what I would miss most of all was the big moments with her. Holidays and things, but really, I miss the everyday.

I have such wonderful friends and family who are trying so hard to be fillers, but after I talk to them, I have this overwhelming urge to call my mom and tell her what a good conversation I just had.

My husband asked for me to go to the doctor. I did, and she offered me anti-depressants. I said "no." Was that the right choice? I am present, I am living, I take care of my kids when I need to...but yes I am sad, even depressed, but don't I have a right to be?

I feel like my life is on hold right now. Reality is knocking at my door and I just want to scream and say, "give me a minute!"

Have you ever floated on your back in the water? Your ears slip under the water, and all of a sudden there is peace. You can still see the world around you. You can even hear it, but muted.
Then for whatever reason, you lift your head, find your ground, and it is as if you slipped away for a moment, and don't know how that was possible with all the chaos around you. I feel this way a lot lately.

I have had the urge to start creating and designing again. Which I think will be a good thing. I ran into a someone who purchased my swim suits last season and she said she wants to buy two more this year. I just smiled and said I would let her know. But I haven't really had the attention span to sit down and do anything. Soon I think....

The rain is so depressing and yet a good excuse at the same time. I don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. A big part of me doesn't even want to go to my moms viewing tonight.
My kids are keeping busy around the house. I have found comfort in going through my moms stuff (which is a LOT). I especially love seeing old pictures of when she was young and healthy and so bright. Kaylee has made out good so far as I have found presents she must have forgot she bought and a ton of art supplies she collected throughout the years.
Just as I thought each day was getting easier, the last two days have be harder for me. I think the feeling that everyone will move on and forget her in a week is sinking in. I on the other hand will be missing her more and more, as I can no longer have a conversation with her or see her.
I have been doing better with sleeping. When she passed I was able to finally sleep through the night, no longer worried that I would miss her last breath. I really didn't want her to be alone when she passed. When I slept I dreamt of her-happy, and healthy, and just like her old self. Now I look forward to closing my eyes at night.
Last night Kaylee was falling asleep and I was laying next to her. She kept closing her eyes and then would turn and look back at me. I was looking up at the ceiling thinking about things. She finally said, "mom, aren't you tired?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Then why are you not closing your eyes."
"I am just thinking," I said.
"What are you thinking?"
"I don't know," I replied.
"Maybe you are thinking of the good things, so that you are not afraid to go to sleep."
She then turned, snuggled up into her blanket, and closed her eyes.
I couldn't respond, I just thought to myself "exactly."

Susan A. Flahavan

A wonderful mother, grandmother, friend, boss, and wife. I am trying my best to see all the joy you brought to our lives, and suppress the pain that comes with missing you so much. Your time was too short. I love you.

Susan A. Flahavan

Born March 17, 1949

Passed January 16, 2010

Everyone who knew her was blessed.

Her funeral will be Friday, January 22, 11:00 a.m. at St. Mel's Church

How to say goodbye?

As many of you know and probably been waiting to know more about, my mom is dying. And a little piece of me is dying too. I thought coming and writing might help shed some of these unbearable feelings and help me reach some peace.

On January 6th my mom was admitted to the UCLA-Santa Monica hospital for tests, because her blood tests showed elevations. The result was aggressive cancer in her liver. I was just there days before, which today I am so grateful for.

Me and the kids were visiting for the holidays. My mom did have a lot pain (which was not too odd because she always had back pain), but she also visited her doctor, who told her she looked yellow. When she came home and asked me, I then noticed she was yellow. She was taking vicodin for her back pain and when we read some of the side effects, that was one of them, so being the strong woman she is, she just quite cold turkey and cut out the vicodin (something I am not sure was right, but felt strongly about at the time).

The problem was that she went through withdrawal. I stayed and nursed her the best I could, and went home, as Kaylee was starting school and my mom was seeing her doctor the next day.
That doctor visit he pulled blood, which led to her hospitalization the next day.

I waited for the results before coming back up. Kyle and I were actually scheduled to go on a cruise this whole week, so that added stress to everything as well. When I received the phone call from my dad with the bad news, I couldn't think. Kyle came home from work and packed up the kids and I and took me to the hospital that night.

I stayed with my mom in the hospital every night. And every night she got a little worse. It all happened so quickly, and I still thought I would find a way to save her, that I really didn't get a chance to talk to her about- I don't even know - just how I am supposed to survive without her I guess.

They thought she would pass yesterday morning, and I was insisting on getting her home, I wish I insisted on it sooner, because they were just killing her faster there. They almost didn't let us take her home, fearing she would die in transport. My third brother was coming in from a trip (he left with her healthy), and I told my mom to hang on to see him. I knew she would, her kids were her life, she was the BEST mother.

She was so happy to come home (she can't talk or move, but she was able to open her eyes and give the most response for the day.

The hospice nurses have been so kind, like I said, I just wished I pushed sooner. She was talking just two days ago.

I am scared, I have my whole family around me, yet I feel so lonely. She never stopped fighting, she is still fighting, and the nurses are trying to urge me to tell her let go, but I can't yet. I still think she is just going to have a moment of clarity and tell me how to move on form this.

I just feel broken. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I just feel so helpless. Sometimes I feel upset, turns out that I found out that 2 1/2 years ago they found the cancer in her bones (which I knew) but at that time they gave her 2-4 years. I did not know that, she said it was not a big deal. Maybe I could have found something or someone that could have saved her. My dad and her just didn't want her to live like she was dying, and they didn't want people treating her that way either. I understand that, but I am just...I don't know...shocked, confused, and afraid. I wish I had more time to talk with her, and help her figure everything out. I am so sad that she felt like she had to do it alone.

I will keep you posted, thanks to everyone who has helped, and written, etc. I am able to have some moments where I can feel at peace, and that comes knowing that I have some great friends, and a close family. I am not extremely close to any aunts and my mom didn't have tons of close friends, I am sad for me and my kids that we will no longer have that motherly figure, and the doting grandma...extremely sad.

I know many of you have already seen these, but I wanted to give a shout out to the talented photographer and great friend who squeezed us in, in the last minute (literally the weekend before Christmas), to get these done! I have gotten SO MANY compliments on these photos, and wanted her to know. If you are looking for a great photographer, give Amber at Life Art Photography a call, you'll be happy you did! There was so many great photos, it was hard to choose from (and Charlie is not easy to photograph).

Where will you be Five Years?

I thought this was appropriate with the new year starting. Some dreams seem impossible if you only give them a short amount of time to happen. When you broaden the time span to 5 years...it invites a whole new realm of possibilities. I was inspired...and have some things I have already started working on...I will fill you in later :)

The Five Book by Dan Zadra

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Kaylee Lou Who!

Went to see the Grinch Stole Christmas the other night. Kaylee fit right in with the Who's!

Is he here YET!!!

Santa is in high demand around here!